Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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