Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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