i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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