Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
