If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
