i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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