All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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