The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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