I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
