Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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