My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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