O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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