Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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