I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
