did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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