I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
