i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
