i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
