but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
