the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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