i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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