i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
