dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
