I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
