I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize