You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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