Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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