I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
