nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize