You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
two words...techno handjob
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
