No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We talked him into tasing himself.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize