rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
