Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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