bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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