I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
