i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
