I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
