just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
