I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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