the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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