Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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