well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
