he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
