haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
