ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
