take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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