apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
