I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
