PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
