how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
