Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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