Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
whose parrot is this?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
