you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
