Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
