if you like me you must not know who I am
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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