I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think my fart just growled at me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
