happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
