Can i not drive my cunt home
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
