Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This baby is an asshole
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize