what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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