seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
